I was over at some other site and I came across this awesome advice on how to play guitar. It is really probably the most accurate assesment of guitar that I have seen. Hope this helps you out!
"Inside of your guitar there is a panel. Each one says a note. A, B, C, D, E, F, G. If you want to set the guitar to one of the notes you insert the key and turn it to the right. In order to get the keys you have to fight other guitarists to the death. Once you brutally murder them with your axe a small colored jewel should appear. Break it open with a 1337 solo and the key will be freed.
That isn't all, though. Every time you murder another guitarist you gain experience. You can use this to earn new techniques. For example, after your first kill you gain "Alternate Picking
". Higher level techniques require more XP. These are things like sweep picking, and rapid pinch harmonics
. This is why the crazy metal people are always the best at guitar.
If you gain all of the techniques in a certain area you have the oppurtunity to go up in level. First from
"beginner" to "intermediate", than to "advanced", then to "professional", then to "expert", then to "virtuoso". Once you master virtuoso you have a duel to the death with a certain man named Petrucci. He's undefeated so far.
However if you DO somehow beat him, you receive an even higher level called "god". Note the lower case. At this level you can play entire melodies with a single harmonic and a whammy bar.
Once you master THIS level, you have a duel to the death with Steve Vai. Unless you shred pinch harmonics for fun he's going to annihilate you and accidentally crush everyone you've ever met into nothingness.
If you DO somehow beat him (which you wont) you enter into the highest known level of "so good it makes people that meet you bleed". There's nothing left to learn at this point. Really you might as well commit suicide by shoving your own guitar all the way down your throat. It would be a fitting way to end such a horrible tenure in the world of guitar.
Why didn't you just learn piano? It's so much safer."