Drinking Stories / Battle Wounds - not for the faint of heart.

[Wolfman]

I know as much as we like to post in the "bar" thread, some of us have got to have some horrid tales of battle from getting sauced.

I'll start it off with one that I promised wip5150 I would post. Everybody's got a tequila story somewhere in their closet, and that's what this one is. Some 10-15 years after the fact, I am just now able to touch the stuff again. For a long time, I would get queasy just from the smell of it.


Anyway, here goes -

I was in my early twenties and my folks were out of town - we all know what that means - PAR-TAY !!!!!! [img]images/smilies/icon_dance.gif[/img]


Everybody there was of legal age, so it's not like it was a cop-magnet or anything.

So, I've got about 20-30 people in the folks house and we are having a good ol' time. Nobody's out of hand, we're all past that point in our lives, because we all have been through the High School stage of experimenting with drinking and have learned our lessons......or have we?? [img]images/smilies/headscratch.gif[/img]

One of the things my buds and I were into at the time was doing shots of Peppermint Schnapps and chasing it with water. We called them "candy canes". What you did was take a swig/shot of the Schnapps and hold your breath as you chased it with a big gulp of water. That way you didn't really taste the liquor that much, and you had a real cool, refreshing "breath" after that. [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img] You could get pretty lit doing this, obviously - and it was a very "cost-friendly" way of getting your buzz on.

Here's where the tequila comes in - after we had been doing this for a couple of hours, some jackass suggests we do a few tequila poppers. BAD IDEA. [img]images/smilies/icon_nono.gif[/img] As much as I protested, they talked me into doing one. ONE. That's all it took to get the stomach screaming out disagreement. I ended up walking very coolly to my folks' bathroom, which was off of their bedroom, so that I wouldn't make a big scene. Let's face it, I knew I was about to talk to Ralph on the big white telephone. [img]images/smilies/icon_mad.gif[/img]
Well, it wasn't as simple of a procedure as i thought it would be, because I end up being in there for quite a while and they start noticing I'm gone. One dude, bless his heart, comes in to check on me and asks if I need a glass of water. I've got tears in my eyes and out of breath , and I'm going "Get the fuck outta here!!!" LOL (He didn't take it personally, btw - we still laugh about it to this day)

Anyway, after all the gastric turmoil is done, I decide I'm going to throw a bathrobe on and lie down in bed. I tell a couple of my buds that if I pass out, just to keep an eye on the house.

Well, as soon as I lay down, my body decides that the front-end turmoil wasn't enough, so I get back up, bathrobe and nothing else, to head for a nice quiet sit on the pot, right? W-R-O-N-G. One of my best buds notices that I had gotten up and is checking on me, trying to walk in the bathroom. This time I'm screaming "Go awaaayyy...buck naked on the toilet...go aawwwaayyyy...." [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img] he says that to me every time we have a drink now.

So I'm finally ready to fall asleep, and my last images awake were of the family dog lying at my feet on the bed in pity, and this girl (one of the scariest ones there) coming in and kissing me on the forehead and telling me to go to sleep.

The next day was even weirder, because I get up and everybody had cleaned the house spotless, and locked the doors, etc. They had even let the dog out. I'm walking down the hall, and one of my buds shows up from crashing downstairs, and I had no idea he was there. he tells me that one guy that was there had actually crawled into the fireplace and sat indian-style "mediatating" [img]images/smilies/icon_confused.gif[/img] They had to clean up a whole trail of ashes behind him. LOL!

This friend of mine leaves, because I've got to get ready for work on a Sunday. I figure I've got about an hour and 15 minutes to shower and get dressed, maybe eat (ugh). he calls me ten minutes later after he gets home and reminds me that we had a time change overnight, so I now have all of 15 minutes to get my act together. [img]images/smilies/icon_eek.gif[/img]

I grabbed a banana, and let me tell you - that was a HUGE task getting that thing down. I manage to get to work with one minute to spare, and my co-workers let me know all day that I looked like death with two feet.

That was probably the last "big" lesson I ever learned regarding drinking to this day. I'm much smarter when I tip back anymore.

But... I have plenty of stories from before that.... [img]images/smilies/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[ericgtr]

"I knew I was about to talk to Ralph on the big white telephone" Too fuckin funny dude [img]images/smilies/icon_thumb.gif[/img]

Thanks for sharing the story but I don't know that I am convinced you have really learned your lesson [img]images/smilies/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[Chewi]

[ QUOTE ]
Wolfman said:
....and my last images awake ........and this girl (one of the scariest ones there) coming in and kissing me on the forehead and telling me to go to sleep.

[/ QUOTE ]

[img]images/smilies/icon_surprised.gif[/img] :nightmare: [img]images/smilies/icon_surprised.gif[/img]
She is lucky you didn't pull a "Linda Blair" on her ass!

[Wolfman]

[ QUOTE ]
Chewi said:


[img]images/smilies/icon_surprised.gif[/img] :nightmare: [img]images/smilies/icon_surprised.gif[/img]
She is lucky you didn't pull a "Linda Blair" on her ass!

[/ QUOTE ]

Trust me, one of the first things I checked on with my buds is whether or not there was anything apart from her simply "tucking me in". [img]images/smilies/icon_wink.gif[/img]

[ericgtr]

Yeah man, could've ended up being a 'priceless' casualty.

[wip5150]

I'm going to continue the tequila theme here. Back when I was a young lad in college at Texas A&M University (insert Aggie joke here), some of the more intelligent dorm colleagues of mine would get together when we were dateless, which was often, to drink and commisserate over our miserable lots in life.

Anyhow, we were getting bored with the usual drinking games of quarters, etc. and decided to up the ante, as it were. One of the more adventurous of my brethern suggested that we play "shot a minute". Now, for those of you unfamiliar with this little par-tay game here's how it works: Each "contestant" takes a shot of beer every minute. The person that lasts the longest without dropping out wins. Seems simple enough, right? WRONG .

As I said above, the ante was upped by substituting tequila for the beer. Now, we were poor college folks and couldn't afford Cuervo, let alone Patron. So, we had some God-awful shit in a plastic bottle [img]images/smilies/icon_surprised.gif[/img]. If memory serves (and I'm not sure it does), it was the taste sensation known as . Not Montezuma Gold, mind you - that would be much too high tone for this crowd - but just watery-lookin', razor-blade tastin' cheap ass tequila. On to the fun....

As you can imagine, it got ugly quick. I lasted ten shots in ten minutes before that "peaceful queasy feeling" started settling in. We started at 7:00 and I dropped out at 7:10 (like I said, we were VERY bored). The "winner" in this case, was a buddy who lasted 13 minutes. So, here were the four of us, drunk on 1% agave tequila, about to be sick, and still bored silly. Since we all were feeling a little skittish at this point, we nixed the eating plans and proceeded directly to the "I'm gonna die" phase of the evening. Here is how mine progressed:

7:20 PM - spinning room, general disgust with self for being so stupid
7:30 PM - "what the hell was that sound coming from my tummy?"
7:40 PM - that sound was the beginnings of the chips and salsa I had eaten around 5:00 PM launching a full scale assault on my innards.
7:50 PM - the invading horde makes it's first appearnce violently flying out of my mouth. I barely make the toilet thinking that "this will all go away if I just lie still". WRONG
8:00 PM - the horde is conquering your hero.
8:10 PM - the horde, out of liquid ammunition, begins the second phase of the offensive - the dry heaves.
8:20 PM - the horde does not recognize the white flag I waive and continues in it's attempts to kill me via the dry heaves.
8:30 PM - All's quiet on the oral front. It would appear the worst is over. I stagger to my regulation dorm twin bed and beg for death. I sleep until...
3:40 AM - The gurgling in my tummy has returned, although this time I believe the battle will wage in the south if you get my drift.
3:40:21 AM - I land my ass on the toilet just as the angry horde returns, this time BBQing my ass
3:42 AM - Thank goodness everyone is asleep, I'd hate to be like Wolf and have anyone see me like this. The fact is, there is NO WAY to look cool when things like this are happening.
3:50 AM - Wave one is complete, bracing for wave 2
3:55 AM - Wave two of the anal attack commences
3:59 AM - Wave two is complete - I believe my ass is litterally on fire
4:02 AM - Limping back to the regulation bed, I immediately do an about face as the horde is launching a sneak attack known as wave three
4:09 AM - Wave three complete. The worst must be over now. Somehow, I manage to crawl back in bed and wish for a quick death to end my misery.
8:20 AM - My head is going to either explode or implode. Frankly I can't decide
10:00 AM - I finally drag my sorry (and painful) ass out of bed and proceed to hose off in the shower.

I spent the rest of the day in a Zombie like trans and vow never to drink tequila again. The next day I change that to "cheap" tequila.

Unfortunately, I have more of these type of stories and will post later.

What is it about Tequilla that makes you sick out of both ends? We started out drinking Margaritas at my best friends bachelorette party, moved on to shots and then began drinking tequilla straight out of the bottle. After that we smoked a lil reefer and needless to say, we were all hammered. (Found dildos behind couches and under chairs for a month afterwards DON"T ASK) Anyways, well into out drunkeness, a pipe bursts under the kitchen sink and water id flying EVERYWHERE! WET T-SHIRT CONTEST whoo-hoo! Call the neighbor BOY over who says he has to shut off the water in order to stop the water from coming out. Well, hell thats fine... Until you have 19 cold wet women who are all barfing and pooing in a tolit that cant be flushed! Talk about learning your lesson... [img]images/smilies/icon_redface.gif[/img]

[Wolfman]

[ QUOTE ]
FAB said:
What is it about Tequilla that makes you sick out of both ends? We started out drinking Margaritas at my best friends bachelorette party, moved on to shots and then began drinking tequilla straight out of the bottle. After that we smoked a lil reefer and needless to say, we were all hammered. (Found dildos behind couches and under chairs for a month afterwards DON"T ASK) Anyways, well into out drunkeness, a pipe bursts under the kitchen sink and water id flying EVERYWHERE! WET T-SHIRT CONTEST whoo-hoo! Call the neighbor BOY over who says he has to shut off the water in order to stop the water from coming out. Well, hell thats fine... Until you have 19 cold wet women who are all barfing and pooing in a tolit that cant be flushed! Talk about learning your lesson... [img]images/smilies/icon_redface.gif[/img]

[/ QUOTE ]


[img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_thumb.gif[/img]

[wip5150]

[ QUOTE ]
FAB said:
(Found dildos behind couches and under chairs for a month afterwards DON"T ASK)

[/ QUOTE ]

Please say this again, slowly this time [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img]

[wip5150]

Okay, I know Wolf Fab and I aren't the only lushes out there so I'm going to share another humiliating story revolving around the overindulgence of adult beverages. As the first one did, this also transpired during my college days - commonly referred to as "The Lost Years".

Before we get into the story, a little background is necessary: In high school, I didn't drink at all. I wasn't a geek (or so I claim), I just didn't have the desire to do it. I went to parties and the like, but usually just ended up driving the less fortunate of the night home. So, when I got to college, it was like a whole new world opened right before my eyes.

As I was living off campus (I was forced into the dorms by the parentals the following year), there was no one to supervise any nefarious and underage activities. So, at the beginning of my first semsester, I started my alcohol career by drinking Sun Country Wine Coolers (yes, I was a ninny). I'm sure if you try really hard, you'll remember Sun Country Wine Coolers as they were endorsed by former Beatle and current recovering alcoholic Ringo Starr. This beverage was appealing to me for several reasons:

1. It was endorsed by a Beatle.
2. It came in two-liter plastic bottles
3. It was dirt-freaking-cheap.

Anyhoo, I started drinking the wine cooler and quickly progressed to beer and then the hard stuff. So, now you have sufficient background to appreciate my stupidity. It was the end of the semester and, from my perspective, it was time to celebrate and par-tay . Finals were still a long way off (two days!) so timing was not an issue - right.

So, we started out (as any good Texans do) by pounding beer upon beer until we were good and toasted. At that point, we decided that it was time to enjoy the exotic taste sensation of Mr. Jack Daniels and his whiskey. Being that we were out of any other beverage to mix it with and we all were to snot-slinging drunk to drive to Safeway, we made the brilliant decision to just drink it straight.

And drink it straight we did. Somewhere amongst the WIP5150 archives there is a photo of me doing my classic impression of Michael Anthony on the LWAN tape chugging Jack right from the bottle. As I remember it, we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning and finally passed out. Needless to say, I was quite "ghost like" in my appearance the next day after relieving my innards of any and all consumables during the early morning hours. Frankly, studying was out of the question and I had an accounting final the next morning.

Now, ol' WIP5150 has never been much of a wiz when it comes to mathematical equations. In fact, I suck big time in math and REALLY need to work hard in that area. So, I drag my sorry ass to the final without really studying for it and I barely missed getting a passing grade. Well, it really depends on your definition of barely - I got a 32.

So, that brought my GPA down to 1.6 for the semester and I was placed on academic probation until I was able to pull it up closer to University standards of 2.0. [img]images/smilies/icon_doh.gif[/img]

That was the last time I drank Jack Daniels straight.

[ QUOTE ]
wip5150 said:
[ QUOTE ]
FAB said:
(Found dildos behind couches and under chairs for a month afterwards DON"T ASK)

[/ QUOTE ]


Please say this again, slowly this time [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img]



[/ QUOTE ]

Foooouuunnndddd Dilddooossss behiinnnddd cccoouuucchhhesss annnddd uunnnddderrrr Chhhaaiiirrsss fooor aaaa moonnnttthhhh affteeerrwwwaaarrdsss, Doonnn't Assskkk [img]images/smilies/woot.gif[/img]

[ericgtr]

LOL Fab!

[Sunnie]

That's pretty f*k*n funny Fab.

[Wolfman]

OK, I promised wip some more so he could laugh at me again. [img]images/smilies/icon_ball.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img]


Here's a trilogy for you that I copied and pasted from a post I made at the links a while back. Enjoy.


1.) I guess I had my first booze around 13 or 14, can't remember which. One night really sticks out in my mind though (unfortunately). We were over at this guy's apartment where he lived with his mom and brother and she was out for the evening. There were maybe 6 or 7 of us, and we started playing quarters. Well, they didn't have any beer, and we had to play with Jim Beam and orange juice chasers. Two of the guys that were there were a year older than us and were from a pretty rough crowd. They were the kind of guys that probably started smoking dope when they were just hitting their teens and drinking like they were adults. Kind of the biker crowd image, even at a young age. Well, we had all played football together in Junior High (which we were still doing) and these guys start getting the "let's see who has hair on their balls" attitude. Matter of fact, I remember one of them even saying that. Well, these guys start really ripping the shots my way. Once I'm good and crocked, the kids mom shows up and starts raining hell and brimstone on us. Nevermind the fact that she just got home from a gay bar. As drunk as I was, if I had known that at the time, I'd probably have said something really stupid. Remember, this is around '81 or so and not that many people were flaunting themselves out of the closet. [img]images/smilies/icon_wink.gif[/img]

She goes on her rant about fucking kids drinking in her fucking house blah blah blah, and we get the fuck out of dodge. Across the street was the rollerdrome, and I barely made it over there before it was time to hurl, round 1. We walk another 100 yards, and I get sick again in the middle of a construction lot. We reach a street and these friends of ours pull up in a car with some older kids that had their licenses. One of them was this girl that was a year or so younger than us that I thought was a total babe. They tell them "you guys have GOT to give us a ride and get Jim home." She looks at me and goes "God, Jim - you're <font color="green"> GREEN </font>!" [img]images/smilies/icon_eek.gif[/img] They get me most of the way home and I tell them to let me off so I can get some fresh air before walking in my house (actually, I had to blow again).

Now, keep in mind that my house was maybe a five-minute walk from that apartment. I got sick SEVEN times before I got home. Worst barf binge I've ever had in my life. Eight, if you consider the sink in the bathroom once I got inside. My folks know immediately what was up. It was the first time I'd been caught, and I was confident from a few other times that I could play it off. Riiiiiight. I was SHITFACED. They say "you're drunk.", and I swear I'm not (LOL. There was NO way of not appearing drunk, and I knew it, yet I denied it. [img]images/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif[/img] ) They tell me to get to bed and we'd talk about it the next day.

Well, next day, my Dad sits me down, and my Dad was a minister, ok? Not a preacher, but a music minister, even though he was ordained. He proceeds to tell me about how he would sneak behind the barns on the farm in Ohio growing up with friends to drink JD, and to just be careful if I ever did it again. [img]images/smilies/icon_cool.gif[/img]


2.) A buddy of ours was like two years older than us from being held back, and we got to ride around with him when he turned 16 and we were only 14. One night we're out cruising and sucking down Little Kings. We get pulled over, and this guy, who was Mr. fucking tough guy (he wass a Marine DI on Parris Island last I heard) , starts to reduce to tears and pleading with the cop. He tells us to get out of the car and this kid swears we weren't drinking. He looks at me and says "this guy smells like a distillery!" [img]images/smilies/icon_rant.gif[/img] The guy then starts to say "please sir, we only had a couple of beers each", and the dude looks at me again and says "this guy smells like he's had a fifth of Jack Daniels!".

Somehow, this kid talks our way out of it, and we are allowed to drive home with the cop following us, and he promises not to talk to our parents. Which leads me to......

3.) Same guy a year or so later is driving us through the UK campus downtown and spots a car and goes "That was a pimp!!!" We're all like "WTF??? This is Lexington, KY, not New York City, dude." He decides to slam the car in reverse and go check it out. ("let's go see!" were his jubilant words) We back up to this big fucking pink cadillac, and I'm right next to the driver's window. The window rolls down really slow and I catch one of the bruthas giving me the "what the fuck do you want" look. My dumbass friend tries to talk street with him and we pull off just before we find out whether or not this guy is keeping a piece at his side.

Two blocks down, the sirens start screaming and the cop that pulls us over (we were drinking Little Kings again, btw. LOL ) accuses us of trying to buy from this guy, who was apparently a dealer they were casing. We don't get out of it this time and he follows us home and talks to each of our parents. My folks told me not to run around with him anymore, and I told them I had already decided that on my own. ( [img]images/smilies/icon_mad.gif[/img] )


That's it for now -

[wip5150]

Funny shit Wolf. [img]images/smilies/icon_dance.gif[/img]