Todays Funnies...

[wahwah]

These are the jokes folks...

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?" asked the guest. "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!""
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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
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The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get ti*ts too."
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Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
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Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish". Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a racket.
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Missy]

Where the hell do you get them from, not laughed that much for ages!

[Mondy]

Can't resist can I ?

A woman is having a shower and then is stepping out when she slips and unexpectedly does the splits. She lands with her thump, her vagina making hard contact with the tiled floor.

The woman soon discovers that due to the laws of suction, that she was unable to get herself up. She called for her husband to come in and help her. He rushed in and found her in the position. He tried to pull her up and out of the position, but also to no avail.

"It's no use", said the wife, "We're going to have to crack one of the tiles to release me !"

"Okay", said the husband, "Let's just slide you out of the bathroom onto the landing."

"But why ?", asked the wife.

"Because the tiles are cheaper out there !!!!" Replied the husband !

[Mondy]

And one for my UK buddies.

Guy walks into ASDA and whops his circumcised knob onto the checkout.

He says to the assisstant, "There ya go, let's see you roll THAT back !"

[wahwah]

I told you that one and , believe it or not...GEORDIE TOLD ME IT![img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img]

[Mondy]

You didn't tell it to me dude. Unless you sent it to my wife's phone by mistake ?

Cuz that's where I got it from last night !



Anyway....

Q: Why has David Beckham had all his hair shaved off ?

A: Cuz Posh spice heard that if you shave your tw*t, you'll have better sex !!!

[Mondy]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them.The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted.....

[rain]

There was a man from Dean,
Who invented a wanking machine.
On the 99th stroke, the spindle broke,
and whipped his balls to cream.


omggggggggg lmfao!!! [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img] [img]images/smilies/icon_lol.gif[/img]

[madaxeman]

after 5 years pat & mick meet.Pat says to Mick"you're really getting heavy" Mick says "right enough,every time I boff your wife,she makes me a sandwich"

[Mondy]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what
I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going
To call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For
example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and
wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there
will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've
placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black
people." God continued, pointing to the different countries" This
one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another
Area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams
in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of
the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and
politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be
modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working
and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as
speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What
about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of w***ers
I'm putting down South!"