These are some Top Tips as featured in British Magazine "Viz". They are kinda like Martha Stewart-Type advice for the home, garden, love, work, etc sent in by Readers. Enjoy!
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the rubbish bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or
grating.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
piss before the film starts.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by
ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting su1c1de as a 'cry for help', simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.
IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the
internet. Just let your wife/girlfriend think you don't fancy her.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
a Ladies Fashion Store with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking 0rg@sms. Most men couldn't give a fuck
anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've
been banged.
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