The Whatchamacallit is a superior candy bar. It has the delicious flavor of peanut butter, without the greasy heaviness of a peanut butter cup; the light crispiness of a Kit Kat with the added complexities of peanut butter and caramel. The only candies that come close are the new ReeseSticks. ReeseSticks are tasty, but might well be called "Blatant-Rip-off-of-Whatchamacallit-without-the-CaramelSticks." It is the delightful chewiness of the caramel that catapults Whatchamacallit from mere candy bar to something more.
So why are they so fucking hard to find?
I went to the supermarket today to buy one. I scanned the rack by the checkout, unsurprised when Watchamacallits weren't there. That rack, bastion of the impulse buy, is reserved for the big boys of the candy bar world: Snickers, Milky Way, Nestle Crunch, even
Reese's new Fast Break. I've had them all. None can satisfy like a Whatchamacallit. No, not even Snickers.
So I made for the candy aisle, but after scanning the chocolate wall for several minutes had to face the awful reality: it wasn't there. I was sure there was some mistake. Perhaps Whatchamacallit, having finally received its overdue recognition, now had its own aisle? I flagged down an employee.
Me: Do you carry Whatchamacallit?
Him (uncaring): What you see is what we have.
Me: But I don't see any Whatchamacallits. How is that possible?
Him (cruel): We have a very small candy section.
Me (fear becoming anger): Yes, I can see that it's quite small. So small that you only have room for six different kinds of M&Ms.
Him: Well, I don't know if there are six.
Me: Plain, Peanut, Almond, Peanut Butter, Krispy, and Dulce de Leche.
Him (on the ropes): Hey, people like M&Ms.
Me: (triumphant): I guess they like Kit Kat too. And I'm sure it's very important that you carry it in its regular and Big Kat forms. Not to mention Kit Kat miniatures, Kit Kat bites, and Kit Kat easter eggs.
Him: Easter is coming up.
Me: Yes it is, which is why I'm wondering where the Whatchamacallit easter eggs are. I don't see them. But while I was looking I noticed that you do carry Three Musketeers. Are you aware that a Three Musketeers bar is just chocolate covered
nougat? Nougat can't carry a full candy bar, it's just filler. It tastes like fucking air.
Him: Sir, if you don't lower your voice I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Me: Answer the question. Why do you carry fucking air bars, but not delicious Whatchamacallits?
Him: I'm calling security.
Me: Yes, please do. Perhaps they can solve the mystery of the missing Whatchamacallits. Security! Security! The Whatchamacallits are gone!
As I was being escorted out I couldn't help but wonder, "What went wrong with the Whatchamacallit?" Despite the perfect design and tasty execution they do not seem very successful.
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