Post your own movie reviews!

[The Ulnarian]

Ok, so I was very bored one night and I wrote a bunch of crappy movie reviews. Feel free to post your own here. Let's see if we have similar taste in movies

Ok, first up, we have The Butterfly Effect Mmmm

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First things first, this IS a BAD movie. But, Ashton is not the reason. Ashton gives a competent performance in this movie, and I think I could actually feel a lump rising in my throat at one point in the movie. Actually, I think every member of the cast did an adequate job.

Also, the flow and direction of this movie is EXCELLENT. For the first 1/2 hour your like huh?? (but in a way that gets you excited and willing to watch the rest), afterwards the rest of the movie comes together perfectly to explain all of the confusion, the script is just so damn tight.

With adequate acting and a great flow, why could this possibly be a bad movie? The real problem with this movie is that it must have been underwritten by Satan himself. Seriously, whoever wrote this script is just a highly intelligent, motivated, mean little son of a bitch who needs to seek professional help before somebody ends up getting hurt. I could actually feel this movie just trying to drain all essence of happiness from my soul as I watched.

For our viewing entertainment, we are subjected to 2 hours of just about every crime known to man. Murder,? yep. Pedophila?, check! Prison gang-rape?, you bet your ass. Castration? Uh-huh. Drug use, prositution, fornication, dismemberment, matricide, infanticide, cruelty to animals and willful destruction of mailboxes, YESSIRR. But dude!, you forgot to include include prenatal suicide! Oh yeah, got it!!! Add it all that up and you've got yourself the feel-good hit of the summer.

Ya know, it's not really all of this that makes the movie bad, its what the movie decides to do with it. Simply put, the only point of the movie is to torture the living shit out of the protaganist. You see, the hero has the ability to travel back in time to alter the course of the future (like Bill and Ted!). While this is a way cool premise, soon, it becomes all too apparent that whoever wrote this movie is just using the hero's unique abilities as a means to inflict great pain upon him. And believe you me, this kid suffers old testament style.

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4 Sec. Summary: Messed up kid with special powers inherited from a messed up father recieves punishment for doing good deeds.
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Uln's Rating:

For the nonsadist, well-adjusted, productive member of society: No value to be found.

For Revelers in Pain/Torment: Priceless.

[The Ulnarian]

Next up, Amadeus

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Ok, so this film is a period peice about the life and times of Mozart. ZZZZZZzzzzz. Well wake up, cuz' in this case there is actually good news. This isn't your average historical yawn-athon such as what you might find on late-night PBS or in such mandatory high school movies such as "A Man for All Seasons", "The Lion in Winter", or "The Madness of King George". Nope, this is one pretty damn good movie.

In a bit of fictionalization, this movie portrays Mozart as something analagous to a circa 1983 rockstar (possibly David Bowie or Prince). Ok, so Ziggy, er Mozart is a child prodigy, with an overly demanding father (a prerequisite for all rockstars). Mozart has severe transvestic tendencies, wears pancake makeup, and from the sound of his laughter, he also sports a Prince Albert. Hare Mozart knows how to party and get his groove on with the best of them. Much like Jim Morrison, Mozart spends him time seamlessly shifting between composing full-on rocking magnum opus after magnum opus and drinking like a fish.

Ok, so Dude Mozart is busy living the life and generally pissing off his old man and all is well. Or so it would seem. The evil Bryan Adams...err Salieri (Dude Mozart's opening act) seeks to destory all that is good in the music world. Haunted by his own mediocrity and an uncaring God, Salieri is transformed into one hardcore dude hell-bent on destruction. The interplay between these two righteous characters makes for some fantastic cinema.

Final Thoughts: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, the soundtrack is killer! Even if they did cover that theme to Maxell commercial.
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4 Sec. Review: Father exploits superstar son, son develops a complex and writes some great music along the way. Pretty standard tabloid fare actually.
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Uln's Review: 4/4 (in common time)

[The Ulnarian]

In time for the holidays, its Badder Santa

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Somewhere along the line I missed the comedy bus. I think perhaps the turning point was somewhere around "There's Something about Mary". For whatever reason, comedies kinda turned into nearly unwatchable vehicles of mindless dribble propelled by flatulence and vomit. If an endless stream of expletives and stale urine are to be the yardstick by which all comedies are now measured, then "Badder Santa" is the patron saint of comedic cinema.

Blockbuster listed this movie as a comedy which is somewhat surprising to me. I kept waiting for this movie to get funny, any minute I was sure that a huge laugh was going to come. Well somewhere about 3/4ths into the movie I think I actually managed one. Let's face it, getting kicked in the nads IS funny, and 3 people getting kicked in the nads simultaneously, WOAH BOY, comic gold.

Oh, about the movie. See, it's about this guy in a Santa suit. A guy who pees a lot. Oh, and there's a murderous midget in there too, I'm not sure if he pees too. Oh and somewhere in the movie, there's a fat kid with a pickle.

Ya, I just don't get all of the fuss over Thornton in this movie, seriously, the pickle was a better actor.


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Final Thoughts: I really, really, hate to say this, but president Bush is right, modern comedies suck! They are all shock and no funny. However, on the bright side, shock only has value because the subject matter is taboo. Once that subject matter is proliferated amongst society, the shock loses its value (most importantly here, its economic value). Therefore, I predict this kinda garbage will soon be unmarketable and I will get to stop watching it.
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4 Second Summary: Man gets drunk and pees, curses, meets kid, pees, curses, meets girl, pees, curses, pees.


ULN'S RATING: Ho Ho NOOO!!!!

[The Ulnarian]

How about some About Schmidt?

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The other day I was chatting with an executive producer of this film concerning its title. As I suspected, sometime around post-production, some wiseass on the staff decided to insert a 'C', a 'M', and a 'D' into the second word of the title. Pity, the original title was much more fitting and may have spared me mucho pain.

So, just what is this movie all about? It's about Schmidt you dummy. Yep, in this movie we find Jack Nicholson playing Schmidt. Schmidt is a cranky old bastard (gee, I've never seen Jack play that before) who likes to ruminate about the world and his place in it as he approaches his golden years and embarks upon a mind-numbingly boring cross-country journey to umm save the world from Ethiopians or somethign (ok...I admit, I feel asleep throughout most of it).

And ruminate this guy does! My favorite scene in the whole movie involves Jack sitting on the roof of his RV just looking at the stars and thinking. Not just thinking, but like really thinking you know, that kind of thinking where you just kinda ramble on about nothing in particular until you bore yourself into a coma. Anyways, after 10 minutes or so of looking up at the stars and ruminating along with Jack, I kinda dozed off and missed a good chunk of the movie. Only to be pleasantly awakened later by.....

A FULL ON NAKED KATHY BATES IN A HOT TUB!!!!. Im her #1 fan!, if they would have thrown in Estelle Getty they may have had a contender for best picture of the year here. However, this stroke of cinematic genius was short livedr, after the bath Jack quickly returns to his ruminating and I dozed off until the closing credits.

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4 Second Summary: Cranky old man ruminates, basks in the naked glory that is Kathy Bates, and ruminates some more.

Warning: Do not view this movie if you have taken any barbituate whatsoever; side-effects may be fatal!
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Uln's Rating: I really don't know what to do here, I fell asleep for roughly 2/3rds of the movie, bah, what the hell. I give this movie a.....ZZZzzzz

[The Ulnarian]

And for Halloween, we have Cabin Fever

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This movie is so god-damn awful that I am only going to say two words about it, "Angelo Badalamenti". Angelo by far is the best thing in this movie (the only "good" thing), I've no idea what he's doing here, I suspect blackmail.

Seriousy, I'm not even dignifying the piece of crap with a review. Really, the only reason I went to go see it was because Peter Jackson gave it a ringing endorsement. This movie is so bad that I am not going to watch Peter Jackson's next 2 films (sorry King Kong!)

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Final Thoughts: Nope. I am not going to think about this movie.

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Short Summary: Nope, not gonna do it.

[Goport]

Originally Posted by The Ulnarian

Ok, so I was very bored one night and I wrote a bunch of crappy movie reviews. Feel free to post your own here. Let's see if we have similar taste in movies

Ok, first up, we have The Butterfly Effect Mmmm

-----------------------------------------------------
First things first, this IS a BAD movie. But, Ashton is not the reason. Ashton gives a competent performance in this movie, and I think I could actually feel a lump rising in my throat at one point in the movie. Actually, I think every member of the cast did an adequate job.

Also, the flow and direction of this movie is EXCELLENT. For the first 1/2 hour your like huh?? (but in a way that gets you excited and willing to watch the rest), afterwards the rest of the movie comes together perfectly to explain all of the confusion, the script is just so damn tight.

With adequate acting and a great flow, why could this possibly be a bad movie? The real problem with this movie is that it must have been underwritten by Satan himself. Seriously, whoever wrote this script is just a highly intelligent, motivated, mean little son of a bitch who needs to seek professional help before somebody ends up getting hurt. I could actually feel this movie just trying to drain all essence of happiness from my soul as I watched.

For our viewing entertainment, we are subjected to 2 hours of just about every crime known to man. Murder,? yep. Pedophila?, check! Prison gang-rape?, you bet your ass. Castration? Uh-huh. Drug use, prositution, fornication, dismemberment, matricide, infanticide, cruelty to animals and willful destruction of mailboxes, YESSIRR. But dude!, you forgot to include include prenatal suicide! Oh yeah, got it!!! Add it all that up and you've got yourself the feel-good hit of the summer.

Ya know, it's not really all of this that makes the movie bad, its what the movie decides to do with it. Simply put, the only point of the movie is to torture the living shit out of the protaganist. You see, the hero has the ability to travel back in time to alter the course of the future (like Bill and Ted!). While this is a way cool premise, soon, it becomes all too apparent that whoever wrote this movie is just using the hero's unique abilities as a means to inflict great pain upon him. And believe you me, this kid suffers old testament style.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4 Sec. Summary: Messed up kid with special powers inherited from a messed up father recieves punishment for doing good deeds.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uln's Rating:

For the nonsadist, well-adjusted, productive member of society: No value to be found.

For Revelers in Pain/Torment: Priceless.

Saw this a while back on DVD and agree to a point on that viewing. Saw it again on Cable and it had a different ending - that version? Well I TOTALLY agree with you

[rain]

I think I will sticky this thread,sounds really interesting ...Great reviews Ulny...Even if no one else post,keep on with yours..See how big the thread get

[The Ulnarian]

Thanks man, they aren't really reviews so much as me venting as stupid movies

One day I just got so pissed at people recommedining me the stupidest movies on Earth that I just kind of snapped for an evening and wrote these reviews.

Seriously, I've know idea how About Schmidt was a critically acclaimed movie.

Likewise, I've no idea how Cabin Fever got a good review from most of the critics over at Rotten Tomatoes.

[bluesplayer]

A complete pile of shit ! , what could and should of been a classic movie , was screwed up by poor script,wooden actors and a pathetic location . Should of been set in Victorian England , and somebody should of grabbed the camera of speilberg and given it to Peter Jackson !

[The Ulnarian]

Originally Posted by bluesplayer

A complete pile of shit ! , what could and should of been a classic movie , was screwed up by poor script,wooden actors and a pathetic location . Should of been set in Victorian England , and somebody should of grabbed the camera of speilberg and given it to Peter Jackson !

That's weird, I haven't seen it yet, but usually Speilberg is awesome.

As for Jackson, yeah man, let me know how King Kong turns out (I'm on a Peter Jackson boycott). I meant what I said in the Cabin Fever review

[evilpenguin]

Well, I hate to admit it. I cried my eyes out laughing to Bad Santa.

Best part:

One guy getting kicked in the nuts: Funny

Three guys getting kicked in the nuts (one guy a midget, excuse me; vertically challenged): Pretty DAMN funny

One absolute nutcase of a little fat boy entering the stage with a wooden pickle that he carved out himself as present for his replacement daddy, who's by the way at the time peeling off this chicks underwear with his teeth, immediately after three guys have been kicked in the nuts: Absolutely priceless.

PS:
I'm still laughing by the way. And it's been a month since I saw the movie.

[evilpenguin]

-I guess that wasn't really a review. I'll write a fuller one when I have the time.

[ericgtr]

Originally Posted by The Ulnarian

Thanks man, they aren't really reviews so much as me venting as stupid movies

One day I just got so pissed at people recommedining me the stupidest movies on Earth that I just kind of snapped for an evening and wrote these reviews.

Seriously, I've know idea how About Schmidt was a critically acclaimed movie.

Likewise, I've no idea how Cabin Fever got a good review from most of the critics over at Rotten Tomatoes.

Very cool man, they are cool to read.

Here is a repost of my only movie review on Space Odysee 2001:

I just finished watching this movie for the first time (that I remember) and thought I would post the long and short of it if you want to save yourself three hours.

Opening scene 3 minutes of darkness with creepy music followed by 25 minutes of a bunch of angry bone toting monkeys, apparently signifying the dawn of mankind. The monkeys see a strange head stone type object, screech and wave their bones around some more

Flash forward to the present day (no segway) to a dude taking a trip to the moon, another 20 minutes of space travel with zero dialogue and more creepy music.

Before he makes it to the moon he takes a pit stop at a space station to make a call and talk to some doctors. Another 20 minutes to get to the moon where he has a conference with some other dudes about a weird thing they found buried on the moon.

They go to check out and it's that same head stone thingy! It makes a funky noise and they all grab their ears through their space suits, which I am sure helped muffle the sound.

Bam! No segway, it's 18 months later and they are off to Jupiter, with at least two or three 20 minute space scenes. HAL goes nuts and kills all the crew except for Dave. Dave get's pissed and starts pulling out HAL's memory cards and stuff. Hal is begging for Dave in this slow, dying, creepy deep voice to stop but Dave had enough of HAL and yanked his last chip.

20 more minutes of Dave in the shuttle flying through a bunch of worm holes in polarized film, the 5 minute eyeball shots were particularly exciting!

He arrives in a creepy white room where he ages rapidly, in fact so rapidly that he ends up in a womb.

The End.

[irish]

entertaing reviews, Thanks Ulnarion.
M