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Old 05-23-2005, 02:26 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Let there be Guitar!

I have modified this little story and I hope it is something new:

* Let There Be Guitar *

In the beginning there was a guitar. It was a Fender, probably a Stratocaster, but it could have been a Telecaster - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the guitar.

And lo the man looked upon the guitar, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the strings and the notes rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to pick upon the guitar. And lo it was bluesy.

And God heard this bluesiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the guitar. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster and louder and louder until the notes rippled like a thunder through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like a hurricane, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he picked upon the guitar a blizzard of fast notes at high volume. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to rock out, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Miles Davis I would have created the trumpet. Stick to the guitar parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast, high and extremely loud. The man scooped the fret board of the guitar which God had created. And the man did move his fingers upon the scooped fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks at an ever increasing volume. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create the bass guitar and it shall play louder than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many loud notes (especially the kick drum) thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand alone in thine own loudness and flurry of notes."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Ampeg Bass amps to make thine ears bleed with their thunderous low end. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play faster and louder than the guitar."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the guitar player, to turn your volume down. And if you play too loud all the other musicians shall say "Turn your amp down!" and they shall really hate your loud guitar amp. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other guitar players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks at extremely loud volume you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.
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Old 05-23-2005, 02:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Pretty damn funny !

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Old 05-23-2005, 05:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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And verily he said........."Thou shalt rocketh on, Dude"! Can I get an amen?
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Old 09-02-2005, 09:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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That was brilliant!

Can you now do part two where Man takes the guitar and installs a floyd rose incorrectly and it goes out of tune all the time. Thus ruining a perfectly good guitar...."and God saw that it was frickin' hilarious" .
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