My first song

[Midnight_Rider]

Hey everyone what's up? I just wrote this song today in my free period and I was wondering what you think of it and any criticism is very welcome. I have never really written a song before so I know its not great.

Dark climbs to the sky,
Midnight in the Lion’s Den.
A chill runs through my spine,
But I feel the warmth of my friend.
The dark is deep and coyotes howl to the moon,
Light shines through the gloom.

Chorus

We see the edge of the land,
But freedom is just out of hand.
We whisk through trees of shadow,
The pursuit of lawful lights, an awful glow.
Think I’m safe, I must keep my senses,
The only thing that keeps me boundless.

Chorus

Out of breath and out of time,
Waiting by the pond, black and arcane.
Buried treasure to later find,
The hidden cache, time spent in vain.
Time slips; down the hourglass go the grains,
Through winding paths and forbidden plains.

Chorus

I feel the rush and adrenalin flow,
Cruise on to the streetlight glow.
Flying past the Guardian’s shade,
We race to freedom, no debt to be paid.

Chorus


I'm still working on a chorus, but here are two ideas I have come up with:

Midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I wish I were free like I was then,
But instead I am in deep pursuit.

&

It’s midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I may be singing them big house blues

It’s midnight in the Lion’s Den,
And I don’t know if I’ll make it through.
I may be singing them big house blues

Thanks for the help I really appreciate it. I am still working on guitar, but I think I'm going for something psychedelic to fit with the lyrics.

[BLACKWiNG]

nice work man ....
wish i could write like you ....


are you planning to make a song out of it ....

[Midnight_Rider]

Yeah I'm gonna make a Psychedelic Rock song out of it. I'll post it here when I finish it. Thanks for the kind words I've never really been a writer so I didn't know what people would think about it.

[BLACKWiNG]

awesome man .... can't wait to hear it ...
it's actually pretty awesome for your first song

[Dimebag-Rip]

Yeah man. I like it a lot. Keep on writing. If this is your first I can't imagine how the time will shape your songwriting further. it'd be amazing. Dom

[irish]

I like it. I imagined it as more of a heavy metal thing.

[irish]

here's one of mine. unfortunately i can't play music
Abduction blues
IT WAS ON THE FOURTH OF JUNE
I WAS LYING IN BED
GAZING AT HE MOON
WHEN SOMETHING HIT MY HEAD

I WOKE UP ON A SHIP
I WAS LYING ON DECK
SOMEONE STRUCK A WHIP
AND STUNG ME ROUND THE NECK

I GOT TO MY FEET
AND I BEGAN TO WAIL
TAKE ME TO YOUR CHIEF
OR I'LL HAVE YOU THROWN IN JAIL

PUT US IN A CELL
SAID A SAILOR WITH A LAUGH
YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL
WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE NAP

THEY PUT ME IN A ROOM
WHERE THERE WAS LITTLE AIR
I HAD A SENSE OF DOOM
RATS WERE EVERYWHERE


I WAS FAST ASLEEP
WHEN SOMEONE WOKE ME UP
GET UP YOU LITTLE CREEP
THE CAPTAIN WAITS ABOVE

THE CAPTAIN WAS A LOONEY
WHOM IT DIDN'T PAY TO CROSS
HE WAS FEELING PRETTY GLOOMY
HIS PARROT HAD BEEN LOST

YOU'RE GOING TO JOIN MY CREW
HE SAID WITH A SNARL
HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO
FIND MY PARROT KARL

FIND YOUR PARROT MISTER
SAID I WITH A LAUGH
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET MY SISTER
SHE'S ON THE MENTAL STAFF

ALLRIGHT HE SAID
GO ALONG WITH FRANK
YOU'RE ALLREADY DEAD
WHEN YOU STEP OFF THE PLANK

THEN I HEARD A KNOCK
ON THE OPEN DOOR
I GOT QUIET A SHOCK
TO SEE A PARROT ON THE FLOOR

IN STEPPED A GIRL
BEARING GIFTS AND CHARMS
SHE TOOK A SILENT TWIRL
AND LANDED IN MY ARMS

THE PARROT HAD LANDED
UPON THE CAPTAIN'S SHOULDER
I COULD WELL UNDERSTAND IT
WHEN HIS EYES GREW A LITTLE COLDER

NOW WHEN YOU'RE IN A FIX
YOU TRY TO GET AWAY
SO I GRABBED THE LITTLE MISS
AND TOLD THEM I COULDN'T STAY

BUT I HAD FORGOTTEN
ABOUT FRANK BEHIND MY BACK
I THOUGHT IT WAS ROTTEN
THE WAY MY HEAD WAS CRACKED

I WOKE UP TO FIND
I WAS GAGGED AND BOUND
MY HANDS WERE TIED BEHIND
I COULDN'T MAKE A SOUND

THEN IN SHE CAME
AND TOOK OFF MY BONDS
I ASKED HER HER NAME
AND SHE TOLD ME TO BEGONE

UP WE WENT
THERE WAS NO ONE ABOVE
I THOUGHT HEAVEN MUST HAVE SENT
THIS LITTLE ANGEL DOVE

THERE WAS A TINY RAFT
WAITING IN TYHE SEA
I GOT INTO THE CRAFT
AS SHE WAVED GOODBYE TO ME

FIVE DAYS HAD PASSED
OR MAYBE IT WAS MORE
WHEN A STEAMER CAME ALONG
AND BROUGHT ME BACK TO SHORE

[Cro]

That's Killer!

[irish]

Thank you.
okay, anybody help me out on this.

If i lay down beside you, can i listen to your heart
to that soft beating that keeeps you breathing