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Captain DB... Savvy ?
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3,523 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
heres a song i wrote about 6 months ago after i broke up with my then girlfriend lol . pretty cheesy love song .. just like all my other vocal tracks lmfao .. here goes

A drowning hope
a vacant smile
i can't keep up
for all the while
i am here
and you are there
another dream
another place
im gazing down
upon your face
and i don't wanna leave
this sleep

[chorus]
so come
to me
stay
with me
and dont leave
just lay
in my arms
and dont leave
just rest
in my arms
tonight

a once special thing
has it gone away
or have we lost sight
of just how great
it all was
and still could be
i still clutch hope for i feel inside
that things could be
beyond just fine
and i will not let go
once its here again

(repeat chorus)

another tear
you wiped away
another thought
to keep me sane
all is not lost
i feel strength again
a distant dream
a long lost fear
i feel so tough
to have you here
to be as one
once again

(repeat chorus)

end on a neat A minor arp chord :)
 

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Captain DB... Savvy ?
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3,523 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
lol i guess nobody has anything to say bout my lyrics :p . oh well . they are here if people wanna just read em :) glad i can share it .
 

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excess to requirements
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7,118 Posts
Well - I read these and though I did comment. But obviously not, so here goes.

I like it - some of the phrasing is very succinct and obviously lends itself to a melody you have written. I would be good to hear this put to music because it reads very, er, intimately on the screen. It is also quite fractious with some stanzas broken over two lines. Forgive me for focusing on this one line but “of just how great, it all was” seems a little clumsy in context with the rest of the song. But that aside I do like this, it is pretty direct and it is quite rare for a song of this nature to be written in such a way by a male. Kudos mate. :thumb:
 

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Captain DB... Savvy ?
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3,523 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i hear your words exactly dude . it would all make sense once you heard it being sung though .. i would hope haha .. don't plan on doing it anytime soon though . i have lots of soppy love songs which i would rather keep for those depressing days and for wooing girls with :lol:
 

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535 Posts
That was good Danny....It always does sound better when you hear the way it should be sung.

I have to always remind myself that lyrics are not suppose to be
correct grammer. And when sung, it would sound fine.
:wtf: Nice job..
 
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