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*Our insult comic takes stage

Thank you for that smattering of applause you dicks. You made me feel lonelier than Don Dokken’s body guard.

But it’s ok, ‘cause a lot of interesting people are here tonight. I saw David Coverdale backstage. He was with Tawny Kitaen again. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever quoted Princess Leia: “You came in that thing?! You’re braver than I thought.”

He said he’s cheating on her with an outhouse though. Says the hole is tighter and doesn’t smell so bad.

Is that “Satch” himself, Joe Satriani down front? Satriani, you’re like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Short, bald and no one has given a **** about you since 1991.

Eddie Van Halen is here! It’s an honor to see a childhood hero. Eddie, these days you look like a rock bottom meth head: Confused, disheveled and appearing like you can’t be trusted to brush your only tooth unassisted.

Who bit off more than they could chew: Mama Cass, Ozzy or Michel Schenker’s accountant?

No? How about Gary Moore’s make-up artist?

Too soon?

It’s a joke, he looks just as good today as he did in 1990. Better.

You guys look more disappointed than a Kiss fan when Ace Frehly took his make-up off.

We’ve lost a lot of stars from the 80’s though.

Sad that we lost Jani Lane. It’s even worse that we kept the rest of Warrant.

Warrant dropped off the map so completely, I thought Vivian Campbell had joined the band.

Speaking of things not to give a **** about, there is Andy Fairweather Lowe sitting at the Page, Beck and Clapton table.

Lowe, people say you we’re just a hack, lucky and a hanger on. Don’t pay that critique any mind Andy. Those people are just jealous, insecure and correct.

I recommend his album to anyone who wants to listen to some tasteful guitar playing but wants to sit through a **** record first

Steve Vai is here. Steve is a phenomenal, multifaceted musician. A genius. Just ask him.

When he used to get laid by models, Steve would close his eyes and think about masturbating.

And that brings us to CC. Just like some hair and make-up wholesaler.

Jeesus CC, since Poison I’ve seen dot matrix printers that get more work than you.

But you tried man, you tried. Even though the band’s now dead, you guys kept producing turds until the very end. You’re like Elvis.

Your solos are, unmemorable, short and cartoonish, practically Dio.

We kid him a lot but the truth is DeVille is good natured and humble enough to embarrass himself on reality tv and by playing guitar.

Thank you, have a good night and remember to tip the Shrapnel Records artist that’s bussing your table.

(if reprinting, please reprint in its' entirety) JL ©
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